A Christmas Tale
by lavenderpanties
Summary: In which Kuja and Zidane discover the true meaning of Christmas with a little help from a lot of insane maniacs.
1. Chapter 1

Disclosure: I own all of the Final Fantasy. Everything I write is canon.

This story is based on a quest I wrote for Dissida 012. I decided it would be better suited for a fanfiction, considering no one is going to be playing my quest. My router is far too mighty for gentle PSP 3000 to cooperate with. Gotta use that Starbucks for downloads. Don't judge me.

Kuja sighed as he looked up into the clear and bitter cold winter sky, the metal tip of his thigh high boots impatiently tapping the giant orange crystal he stood upon. He was annoyed. The cool wind ruffled his lovely silver hair as he glanced back at his brother. Zidane was running about excitedly, decorating their Crystal Word home with tinsel and ornaments. He threw everything around haphazardly, sticking the garish decorations upon every surface he deemed 'too bare'. Tinsel wrapped around the giant crystals, random glittering and blinking orbs hung every few inches, and giant fancy socks for some reason he knew he'd never understand. And, of course, the biggest tree Zidane could drag up from the lower world. It too was wrapped with the sparkling fake boas and gaudy orbs. He even forced Kuja to make ginger bread men with him to hang upon it. (Kuja's were the best looking ones, of course.) Such a hideous stage for him to have to call home.

Every already sparkled with "Christmas cheer", as Zidane liked to call it. In fact, all the boy had talked about for weeks was Santa and all the great presents he had asked for. All childish things of course. A new bicycle, a Chaos action figure, a new set of thief's knives, Beatrix's missing eye. Zidane's eyes suddenly caught Kuja's gaze, causing Kuja to look away. He was embarrassed but didn't fully understanding why. Perhaps because he had been caught with such a bitter look on his face?

"Kuja!" Zidane smiled, running over to him. 'Always running with the boundless energy.' Kuja thought, smiling slightly. "Kuja! What's Santa bringing you tonight?" Zidane said gleefully, hopping from one foot to the other. "I've already asked for a lot! I hope I get it all! Is the tree big enough for it all to fit under I wonder? Maybe I should go out to get another! Kuja let's-!" "Enough!" Kuja shouted, glaring into Zidane's excited eyes, startling his brother and himself.

His face softened, surprised at himself. He looked away from Zidane's confused face and rested the side of his face against his hand. "I, just..." he said softly, "I don't believe in kid's fairy tales. And you shouldn't either! You'll be an adult before you know it and I doubt any girls would like a man who gets toys from Santa."

"Oh Kuja," Zidane sighed, the energy seeming to drain out of him. "You really are dead inside aren't you?" "What was that?" Kuja hissed, glaring as hard as he could muster. "Nothing!" Zidane said quickly, smiling and throwing up his hands in defense jokingly. "But Santa's real you know! He brings me toys every year. Are you saying he's never brought you anything...?" "Of course not!" Kuja huffed, crossing his arms and darting his eyes away from his brother. "How could an imaginary magic old fool bring me toys? Or anything at all for that matter?" "But how can that be!" Zidane said loudly, visibly offended that his beloved Santa had never once brought Kuja anything.

"Because Kuja doesn't believe!" a voice shouted from behind them. The both gasped with a start and spun around, revealing Lightning standing in full light, saluting. She looked positively statuesque. "He was 'born' as an adult," she started again, her face serious as she referred to Kuja's creation at the hands of Garland. "No matter how advanced the science, it could never infuse someone with the childlike wonder needed to believe in something so grand. To truly know Christmas, you must look deep within yourself and find what it truly means to be a young boy on Christmas morning!" Lightning suddenly grabbed her gunblade, flicking it open and pointing it at Kuja's heart. He backed away slowly, defensively putting an arm in front of Zidane. "You mean the Christian meaning? Baby Jesus and all...?" Kuja said softly as he exhaled, still slowly stepping away from her.

"Blasphemy," a low voice rumbled behind them. Kuja and Zidane slowly turned, keeping one eye on the strangely acting Lightning. Sephiroth's dark face greeted them. Zidane swallowed, then took a deep breath. "Bl... blasphemy?" he whispered.

"Blasphemy!" Sephiroth suddenly shouted causing the young men to jump with surprise. He pointed his incredibly long Masamune at Lightning. "You know the true meaning of Christmas is presents! The holiday would be meaningless without it!" "Lies! Christmas is togetherness and family, two things you _obviously_ would know nothing about!" Lightning shot back, visibly angry. "Peace, love and harmony. Beautiful things that an innocent child would treasure..." She turned away, looking down and holding her heart. "Oh please," Sephiroth sneered, "Presents are the only reason those 'precious' children even get out of bed so early."

Sephiroth strutted forward, shoving Kuja and Zidane out of the way and grabbing Lightning's shirt, pulling her up to his face. "Admit it. Christmas means nothing without the presents. Without it, Christmas would be just like Kwanza. Only less street." She grabbed his hand and pulled herself up to his face. She glared into his eyes and growled low, "I'll show you street, bitch..." Then suddenly bashed her forehead into his nose. "GRAAAH!" he screamed, dropping her and grabbing his face. Lightning took the opportunity to punch him in the stomach, then kicked him in the face when he doubled over in pain. Kuja and Zidane backed away from the scene, their eyes never leaving the two maniacs dueling to the death in front of them. "Maybe.. " Zidane said very quietly, almost to himself. "Maybe Santa will bring my presents later... when people aren't killing each other in our home..." "Yes, let's make our exit," Kuja sighed, "Stage right."

Lightning was viciously bashing Sephiroth's head into the ground, tightly gripping his hair. Suddenly his arm reached around and grabbed a flash of red in front of his eyes. Her cape. He snatched her around and on to the ground. She was stunned only for a moment before she whipped around and slashed only his cloak with her sword. He had already jumped out of the way, and has his sword ready for her. Before she could breathe he had already run her through. She gasped once before she fell to the ground.

"My goodness!" Kuja gasped from their hiding place behind a nearby crystal, covering Zidane's eyes quickly. "K-Kuja! What's going on! Are we gonna die?" Zidane stammered, horrified. "Not if I have anything to do with it," a young boy's voice said behind them. They both turned quickly, not having enough time to run before they were both bashed over the head with the butts of twin katanas.

Sephiroth threw back his head and laughed, the disturbing sound echoing through the crystals. His foot was placed firmly on Lightning's back, almost as if he was trying to squeeze the last of her life out of her. "Tell me about love and peace again," he laughed. "Presents reign supreme!" he yelled as if announcing it to the cold night air. Lightning murmured, squirming suddenly under his boot. "What was that, my dear martyr?" "LIKE HELL THEY DO!" Lightning screamed with all the strength. She jumped onto Sephiroth's back and dragged him to the ground, biting into him. Sephiroth screamed horribly as blood sprayed everywhere as she ravaged him.

"LIGHTNING!" Onion Knight screamed at the bloodstained woman, Kuja and Zidane's unconscious forms slung over either shoulder. Tell tale bumps were on their heads where they had been struck by his ninja form's swords. "You know the truth, Light! Presents are the only thing worth ANYTHING on Christmas! Togetherness and peace is something only old crones like you dream about on Christmas morning." He dropped the unconscious young men like dead weight, and reached for his sword. "Now spit out his organs and fight me, you batty wretch!" Lightning looked up at him, glaring through her now bloody hair. "Presents...?" she said slowly, then she stood violently. "PRESENTS?"

Before he could blink, Lightning was on top of the Onion Knight like... thunder.

Her gun was raised and already firing by the time Onion had processed what was happening. He quickly dodged out of the way, a bullet grazing his cheek. Her blade opened in a flash and she began swiping madly, any form or style she had before gone. "Ha!" the Onion Knight laughed childishly, "Is the truth driving you mad?" He half ran, half skipped away from her, mocking the clearly unhinged woman. "She... she can't handle the truth!" Sephiroth growled as he struggled to his feet, bite marks bleeding freely. "How about an assist?" Onion called out to him. Sephiroth smirked. "With pleasure..." he said as he brandished his long sword.

"PRESENTS. MEAN. NOTHING!" She shouted between swings, "Family! Togetherness! WORLD PEACE!" Onion Knight dodged each blow gracefully, side stepping and rolling out of the way. Sephiroth jumped above them and jabbed his Masamune down at them as he passed over head.

Onion Knight slashed viciously at Lightning, jumping out of the way quickly before she could get to him.

Finally he found an opening and jumped behind her. "Shove it you old bat!" Onion said fiercely, bludgeoning her in the back of the head and dropping her like a lead weight. He laughed triumphantly and turned to Sephiroth. "That's that I guess." Then he turned to the brothers he had left in a heap. "Now then, to take care of you two..."

ALAS! The end of part one. Click on through to chapter 2 and discover with Kuja, the true meaning of Christmas. (Hint: It's not kill all your enemies.)


	2. Chapter 2

Disclosure: Still own all the Final Fantasy. Everything I write is canon.

(Forgotten about this story for 6 months?! BAH! Writing it was simply cutting into my laying around time!)

Kuja and Zidane were having a quiet night at home, when it was revealed that Kuja didn't believe in Christmas OR Santa! Lightning soon arrived to show him the way, but so too did Sephiroth and Onion Knight. Now unconscious and alone with Onion, what will become of our protagonists?!

Kuja sat up with a start, then laid down again just a suddenly. "Oh.. so lightheaded... And in pain. In the side of my head..." he groaned, rubbing his temples with both hands. He opened his eyes slowly and looked above him greeting an amazing, dazzling starry sky. Cool air swirled around him, and huge crystals floated around an even larger central one. "What is this place? It's so beautiful," Kuja said softly, almost smiling as he stood up. "We're floating above the whole planet!" Zidane shouted right beside Kuja. 'Into my ear no less...' Kuja thought angrily, covering his ear in pain and shooting Zidane a cold glare. He lowered his gaze to the floor below him, or rather the lack of floor. They were on some kind of clear, perfectly solid energy field, floating so high above the planet they might as well be on a moon.

"Where do you think you are?" a young, almost mocking voice called out to them. "You!" Zidane shouted, pointing accusingly. "You must be the one who so casually bludgeoned us," Kuja crossed his arms at the young boy in front of him, visibly angry. Onion Knight smiled at them knowingly. "So maybe I hit you, but I'm the one who saved you! Without my help you guys would be toast!" "If you left a mark, so help me I'll end you!" Kuja growled back at him, rubbing his sore head. "And you hit us because?" Zidane said, stepping between Kuja and the young boy. "Because you needed saving! Lightning was totally wrong in her lesson. Kuja would have never appeased Santa with THAT line."

"Appeased...?" Kuja said slowly, very confused now, "Why do you insist on this foolish Santa Clause business?" "Foolish, is it?" a deep, booming voice said from above. Golbez floated down from the top of the huge central crystal, dark energies flowing off of him. His strange glowing gaze within his helmet moving between the three young men before him. "I'm glad you've come, Kuja," Golbez said, his deep voice echoing through all of them. "Now that you stand in the home of the mighty Santa Clause, tell me Kuja, what do you think about this 'fairy tale' now? Now that you've seen his great vision, watching over all of the people on the world below, do you still deny him? His close watch, scrutinizing the young boys and girls under him, and like the angel of Justice, rewarding the gentle and kind among them with candy and Square Enix products."

"Hmph! I could buy a video game anywhere!" Kuja huffed. "And I see no Santa. I see no reason to believe this place was build by a magical, present giving fat man! This place could have been built by any wizard, including you!" Golbez gave a short laugh. "So, my proud friend, is that what you really think? Though, if you truly didn't believe then why did you bring me a sacrifice?" "Sacrifice?" Zidane gasped, taking a step back. "Of course!" Onion Knight said happily, "Why else would you be hanging around your enemy but to betray him?"

"Wh- what are you talking about?!" Zidane shouted, unable to believe what he was hearing. "Not another insane lunatic!" Kuja cried, as he tried to hide Zidane behind him. Kuja pressed Zidane against his back as Onion Knight approached. "Kuja... I am uncomfortably close to your bottom." Zidane whispered from behind him, a precious, thin layer of white, nearly translucent fabric separating Zidane's face from Kuja's black thong. "Silence!" Kuja hissed.

Kuja smirked at the child when he stood before him. "And what makes you think you can do against us? You no longer have the element of surprise on your side." Onion Knight laughed. "Oh come on Kuja! We're only trying to help you! We know you're not that bad a guy, you just had a rough upbringing." "And you know me so well, how?" Kuja huffed, annoyed at the boy's audacity to bring up his past. The boy laughed again and said, "You're such a sensitive guy..." Onion Knight's mocking smiles were getting unbearable for Kuja. "Santa knows all!" he shouted gleefully. "He's been watching you your entire life Kuja!You and I both know about your first Christmas." He turned back, grinning. "How you were still so innocent, asking about Gaia and the meaning of their festivities. How Garland just got drunk on eggnog and told you to stay in your room." Kuja looked down at the ground as pangs of guilt assaulted his heart. "It's true. My memories of Gaia's supposedly happy festivals are marred by loneliness and Garland's drunken tirades."

"Heh heh heh," Golbez laughed softly, the sound resonating within his unsettling armor. "You should also know that Santa Clause punishes the unworthy, and not always with a stocking of coal..." "Oh?" Kuja said inquisitively. "And what else, pray tell, does the fat man have at his disposal? Zidane told me about his little army of tiny men but I cannot begin to believe they would pose a threat." Golbez laughed again, this time nearly infinitely louder. It resonated through the large crystal room and chilled Kuja and Zidane to their cores. Kuja was terribly uneasy now. What could give the wizard before them so much confidence in his ability to sway Kuja? What was he up to?

Zidane patted his elder brother's back softly. "I don't really want to interrupt but, I've gotta say there are other places I'd rather be shoved." Kuja waved his hand around where he thought Zidane's face was to silence him, and kept the the smirk on his face the best he could. "Will you tell me or not?" he called out. "Unfortunately I cannot stay long at this dreadful little party of yours. I have a rather substantial amount of psychopath blood to be cleaned from my home before it sets in. I imagine you know how difficult bloodstains are to soak out, Golbez?"

Golbez landed only a few feet away from Kuja and Zidane. He stood tall, casting a long shadow as he towered over them. "I am what you might called an 'enforcer'. I come to the unworthy ones too strong to punish with coal and lead tainted Power Ranger action figures. Those who face me receive their Christmas in the form of a sound beating, unless they are willing to trade something... or someone, for my mercy." His glowing eyes moved down to Zidane, who was peeking cautiously out from behind Kuja. He quickly jumped out from behind Kuja and pointed at Golbez threateningly. "You'll never get us!" Zidane yelled out. His older sibling laughed slightly. "So brave," he sighed.

"But your fate is up to Kuja!" Onion Knight laughed, suddenly grabbing Zidane's waist from behind. Zidane jumped and turned quickly, drawing his knives. Onion already had his sword drawn, bouncing from one foot to the other with a smirk on his face. "Kuja just needs to give the word and this can all be over! ...for him anyway." "Yeah right! Like he'd sell me out so easily!" Zidane said, grinning as he looked over at his brother. Kuja was staring at him, lost in deep thought, with a look of consideration on his face. Zidane grimaced shouting, "RIGHT KUJA?" Kuja seemed to suddenly snap out of it. "Hm? Oh yes. No one has to die I suppose," he mumbled.

Kuja then turned to Golbez and smiled in his slightly cruel way. "Well, gaudy sock of dirty rocks or not, I can take anything your extra large elf man cares to toss my way!" He suddenly lifted off the ground, Holy orbs materializing around him. He lifted his hands as they spun around merrily, kicking up a slight wind and causing his flowing clothes to dance about. He opened his arms and smiled. "Let's see what you've got."

Oh? A cliff hanger? How dramatic! Will Kuja win against Santa's 'Hammer of Justice' and Onion Knight? Will he fall and be forced to admit that perhaps magical fat men exist?! Will this story have one more chapter, or six?!

The story is a bit shorter this time around. Because I'm lazy? Probably!


End file.
